Defensive reactions to feedback are common and can arise due to a variety of reasons; surprise, discomfort, fear of judgment, or simply not agreeing with the feedback being given, to name just a few. Handling defensive responses to feedback requires empathy and patience. By staying calm, focusing on facts, and fostering a collaborative approach, you can steer a defensive reaction towards a constructive dialogue. With these strategies, you will create an environment where feedback is viewed as an opportunity for growth rather than a source of conflict.
This article explores some of the ways you can maintain a positive atmosphere, preserve the relationship, and refocus the conversation on constructive growth.
Stay Calm and Maintain Composure
When an employee reacts defensively, it is crucial that you remain calm and composed. Demonstrating patience and self-control helps de-escalate the situation and sets the tone for a respectful conversation.
- Don’t Take It Personally: Understand that the defensive response is usually a reflection of the employee’s feelings, not a personal attack on you. Avoid responding with frustration or anger.
- Pause Before Responding: If the employee becomes agitated or starts interrupting, pause and let them express their thoughts fully before you respond. This pause can help both parties collect their thoughts.
Example:
- If an employee raises their voice or becomes visibly agitated, take a deep breath, maintain a steady tone, and say, “I can see that this is an emotional topic. Let’s take a moment to breathe and reset before we continue.”
Acknowledge Their Feelings and Show Empathy
Acknowledging the employee’s emotions shows that you respect their feelings, even if you do not agree with their reaction. This can help lower defences and pave the way for a more productive dialogue.
- Validate Their Emotions: Use statements like, “I understand that this feedback may be difficult to hear,” or “It seems like you are feeling frustrated. I want you to know that my intention is to help, not to criticise.”
- Offer Empathy Without Backing Down: Empathise with their situation, but don’t retract your feedback. Acknowledge the difficulty while reinforcing that the purpose is to support their growth.
Example:
- “I understand that it is hard to hear about areas that need improvement, and I can see why this might be frustrating for you. My goal here is to help you succeed, and I am happy to discuss any concerns you have.”
Focus on the Facts, Not Opinions
Defensive responses often arise when feedback is perceived as subjective or overly personal. To counter this, focus on specific facts and behaviours rather than opinions or character judgments.
- Use Objective Language: Reference specific situations and examples rather than using general terms. For instance, instead of saying, “You need to be more reliable,” say, “There have been three occasions this month when deadlines were missed.”
- Avoid Absolutes Like “Always” or “Never”: Using absolute terms can make the employee feel unfairly judged. Instead, frame feedback around specific incidents.
Example:
- Rather than saying, “You never listen to your colleagues,” say, “During the last two meetings, I noticed that you spoke over your colleagues several times, which disrupted the flow of conversation.”
Reframe Feedback as a Shared Goal
Position the feedback as something you are working on together rather than something the employee must fix alone. This approach reduces the sense of blame and emphasises collaboration.
- Use Collaborative Language: Phrases like “Let’s work on this together” or “How can I support you in improving this area?” can make the employee feel less isolated.
- Highlight Common Goals: Reinforce that the purpose of feedback is to help them succeed and grow. Emphasise that you both want the same outcome: their success and the team’s success.
Example:
- “I believe improving your time management will help reduce your stress levels and make your workload more manageable. Let’s figure out a strategy together that works for you.”
Encourage Their Perspective and Listen Actively
Employees may feel defensive if they believe their side of the story has not been considered. Encourage them to share their perspective and listen actively to understand where they’re coming from.
- Ask Open-Ended Questions: Use questions like “Can you tell me more about your thoughts on this?” or “What’s your view on the situation?” This shows that you value their input and are open to discussing the feedback further.
- Paraphrase and Reflect: Summarise what they say to show understanding. For example, “So, if I’m hearing you correctly, you felt that the workload made it difficult to meet the deadline?” This technique validates their viewpoint and makes them feel heard.
Example:
- If an employee reacts defensively by saying, “I don’t think that’s fair,” respond with, “I appreciate you sharing your perspective. Let’s discuss this further. Can you help me understand what part of the feedback felt unfair?”
Separate the Behaviour from the Person
Defensive reactions often stem from employees feeling personally attacked. To counter this, make it clear that you are addressing behaviours, not the individual’s character.
- Use “When-You” Statements: Begin your feedback with, “When you [describe the behaviour],” rather than saying “You are…” For example, say “When you missed the last three deadlines, it impacted the team’s timeline,” rather than “You’re not dependable.”
- Reaffirm Positive Intentions: Remind the employee that the discussion is about improving a specific skill or behaviour, not criticizing them as a person.
Example:
- “I want to be clear that my feedback is about your approach in meetings, not about your overall abilities. I see a lot of potential in you, and I believe addressing this can help you become even more effective.”
Offer to Pause the Conversation if Needed
If the employee becomes too defensive or emotional, consider pausing the conversation to give them time to process the feedback. A brief break can help both of you regain composure.
- Suggest Taking a Break: Say something like, “I can see that this is a lot to take in. Why don’t we take a break and revisit this in a day or two?” This demonstrates empathy and shows that you prioritise their well-being.
- Reschedule the Conversation: If the discussion becomes unproductive, suggest picking it up later. This prevents the conversation from escalating and gives the employee time to reflect.
Example:
- “I think we both need some time to process this. Let’s continue this conversation tomorrow after we’ve had some time to think it over.”
Use the “Ask-Explore-Offer” Approach
This technique is effective for re-engaging employees who may feel defensive. It involves asking questions, exploring their answers, and offering solutions.
- Ask: Start with open-ended questions to understand their perspective. “What do you think caused the issue we’re discussing?”
- Explore: Probe deeper based on their responses. “Can you give me an example of when this happened?”
- Offer Solutions: Provide suggestions for improvement or support. “Would you like to attend a time-management workshop to help with this?”
Example:
- If an employee becomes defensive about communication feedback, say, “Let’s step back. What challenges have you faced when communicating with the team? Is there something I can do to support you?”
Use “I” Statements to Minimise Defensiveness
“I” statements express how the behaviour impacted you or others, which feels less accusatory than “You” statements.
- Frame Feedback as Your Perception: Instead of saying, “You didn’t communicate clearly,” use, “I felt that some points in your presentation could have been clearer for the audience.”
- Combine with Positive Reinforcement: If possible, start with a positive “I” statement: “I appreciated your enthusiasm during the presentation. I felt, however, that some key points were lost because the information moved too quickly.”
Follow Up After the Conversation
After the initial conversation, check in with the employee to see how they are feeling and to reiterate your support. This follow-up shows that you care about their development and are committed to helping them grow.
- Reinforce Positive Aspects: Remind the employee of their strengths and express confidence in their ability to address the areas discussed.
- Monitor Progress: Schedule a follow-up meeting to review progress and provide additional support if needed.
Example:
- “I want to thank you for being open during our last conversation. I am confident that with your dedication, you’ll make great strides in this area. Let’s touch base next week to see how things are progressing.”